Nothing Is Over

I'm not exactly sure how to begin this post. There is so much I could say, yet so little I can put into words.

It all began in 2007, when the video for The Kill appeared on my TV screen. At that point, and every time a 30 Seconds To Mars video popped up from then onward, everything around me was cut off and the TV had me hypnotised. This band already meant more to me than any other band before, and I made it my mission to become a part of their world, a world which seemed so perfect. I was 13, and it already felt like my life had purpose. I got to know the band as best as I could, I just couldn't shake the incredible feeling they had given me, I just had to know everything. They became the reason for my existence.

I introduced my best friend to 30 Seconds To Mars and together we became fanatics. We would go to each others houses and sit watching interviews on YouTube to the point where we could quote every word, or put on the making-of DVD that came with our A Beautiful Lie albums and laugh when Bartholomew Cubbins "didn't show up", acting like we were the only ones in the world that were in on the secret. We would text each other whenever anything, no matter how small, reminded us of 30 Seconds To Mars, everything from snow to a car horn. The band became more than just a band for both of us, it was a lifestyle.
But her life was troubled, and over time she became unstable. She gave me hints at what she was planning to do, and despite my efforts to talk her out of it her mind was dead set. One morning I turned on my phone to find a text sent from the previous night, saying she was headed to the bridge at the edge of town, and goodbye. Within seconds I was on the phone to her, and it was only when her voice croaked at the other end of the line that my heart started beating again. She told me that she had walked to the police station instead and begged for them to take her in, but they refused and took her home. Ultimately, it was a final listen to Buddha For Mary that saved her, and the sweet memories that it held. For weeks I was afraid of falling asleep again, in case she changed her mind, but she never did. To this day I am eternally grateful for that song, and every song by 30 Seconds To Mars, for keeping her, and as a result me, on this earth.

Even then, some half a year later, something slipped. I became extremely shy and introverted while my friends changed around me. I would refuse to talk, mostly because those I was with weren't used to talking back. As much as I hated it, I drifted further and further apart from the rest of the world as I shrunk into myself. Eventually, someone I thought was my friend claimed I had been badmouthing those I cared about the most, and even my best friend chose to believe her. I lost everyone, I became completely alone. For another month people would only talk to me to shout abuse, and I could do nothing but lie alone and feel... void.
It was only after a chance hearing of Praying For A Riot that I emerged from the hollow bubble I surrounded myself in. The sheer beauty of the music in my ears and the tragic truth behind the lyrics was enough to rekindle the love that had been lost for so long, and even though my life was broken, I tried to believe nothing was over.

As much as it feels weird talking about these personal experiences, in fact every time I listen to 30 Seconds To Mars it becomes a personal experience. The music in itself is so beautiful, so enlightening, so powerful... Many times I have been hypnotised and experienced what I can only describe as hallucinations while listening to them late at night.
Aside from that though, there is something deeper. It is as if this band holds a vital part of me, as if without them I would stop breathing. As much as it seems like a cliché to say that this band, 30 Seconds To Mars, means the world, there is no other way I could express the love I feel for them.

Since the start of the year it has become... a ritual, I guess, to listen to 30 Seconds To Mars at the end of every day, and at least then, for about half an hour, I can believe that the world is perfect, because for half an hour I am on Mars.

Jenni (DontSaveMee)
Scotland