Finally Found Myself

How could I have ever imagined, when I first heard the name "30 Seconds to Mars," the profound impact the music would have on me? Even to attempt to put this effect into mere words seems like an exercise in futility...but here goes.

Of course, the music itself is enchanting. Artistically, technically, it is dynamic, provocative, and extraordinary. But more than that...to put it bluntly, this shit moves me, like whoa. One of the main reasons the songs are so meaningful to me is not only their inherent aural beauty; but simply the majority of the subject matter. While there are, of course, the common themes of personal conflict and evolution, with some dark and sexual undertones, the songs themselves are lyrically open to interpretation; which makes it easier for listeners to apply the lyrics to their own lives. I think it's a pretty safe bet that countless people can relate to experiences of conflict and personal transformation; and I can certainly identify with them myself.

For years I have struggled, both with the demons inside my own head...and those on the outside. Depression, drug addiction, abusive relationships, rampant eating disorders; I was enmeshed in a seemingly never-ending cycle of personal destruction. Bottom line: I was killing myself, slowly but surely.

Somehow, some way...and certainly not overnight, I realized that I deserved better. I made the conscious decision to stop hurting myself--and indirectly allowing others to hurt me--out of self-recrimination for trauma I experienced at the hands of others; both as a child and young adult. As in "Alibi" (which moves me to tears, every time I hear it), "I fell apart...and got back up again."

Additionally, I know that "The Kill" is a longstanding fan favorite, with good reason. However, for me personally, "The Kill" is so much more than just a great song. I have been eating disordered for roughly 15 years, and, I'm happy to say, have been in recovery for about a year and a half at this time. "The Kill" basically overnight became what I think of as my "recovery anthem;" I feel as though in less than 4 minutes it basically tells my own story...about how I finally gained the strength to literally save my own life, to fight back even further against the monsters inside my own head and the illness that took over my world for too long...and, ultimately, to finally accept myself for who I really am, both inside and out.

Through several years of continued self-exploration and personal growth, I now know a level of safety and healing I can't remember having ever experienced prior to this. The music of 30 Seconds to Mars is, for me, a sensuously moving reminder of how far I've come from where I've been; and the strength I gained in the process.